Prince Charming ~ By Evan

Photography by Michelle

Relationships are interesting. We try so hard to find that person who we actually want to spend time with, someone who gives us the desire to want to be a better person, putting their needs ahead of ours. Now while I am not a mushy gushy person (it makes me want to vomit just thinking about it), I do appreciate the reasoning behind the emotions and the effort we make to impress the opposite sex. We all have relationship experience in one fashion or another, myself included.

I've been the dumpee and the dumper. I've been cheated on and I've been cursed out. I've cursed out girls and I've said things I wish I could take back. I've used the “It's not you, it's me” routine and I've had it used on me. I've dated long distance, short distance, long-term, short-term, blondes, brunettes, and redheads. 

I've dated co-workers and people in the complete opposite field. I've dated girls who understand sarcasm (which unfortunately is my love language) and girls who don't. I've dated 'good' girls and I've dated 'psycho' girls. Emphasis on psycho...

Now realize I'm not a ladies man by any means - far from it actually. Many of these girls encompass multiple categories. They gave me the strange honor of venturing into uncharted territory of trying to understand yet another piece of the female mind. And before you say, “Good job, have a treat for sharing” (I like Reese's by the way), know that I still know nothing about women.

Zip. Zilch. Nada. The only thing I know is what not to do again based off where I have already gone wrong. 

For instance, I know now that girls without the sarcasm gene don't respond well to sarcasm. They simply sit with a blank look in their eyes and a half smile that says, “Do I laugh? What did he mean?” and you will eventually have to break up. Unfortunately, sarcasm will still come out during that conversation and you'll have an even weirder story...

I know now that new girlfriends don’t like talking about old girlfriends.

I know now that forgetting your girlfriend is a vegan and cooking meat lasagna for dinner is.... well you imagine what the dinner conversation was that night... or lack of conversation rather...

I know now that playfully punching your girlfriend and wrestling with her, even if she said she liked it, is a bad idea on many levels and will not only end with a hole in the wall but with the question, “Why did you do that?!”  It will also end with a very angry father and a swiftly ended relationship...

I know now not to date a heroin addict, or at least I know how to spot one now instead of finding out two and a half months later.

And most importantly, and sadly true, I know now that when you're having problems with your relationship, don't tell your girlfriend, “I feel like there is something satanic about our relationship that is trying to break it apart.” She will only hear, “You're a devil and ruining our relationship...” She'll proceed to cry, curse you out, cry some more, throw heavy objects at you while crying, curse some more, then proceed to storm out of your house – still crying.

So take my advice – at the very least, you walk away with funny stories and building blocks to learn from (actually don't... probably won't end well.) Oh did I mention that breaking up at Christmas is a bad idea?