Our dear friend Sarah recently wrote an article in this publication titled “A Few Little Secrets to Understanding Women”.
As eye-catching as the title was, I found it somewhat paradoxical. I mean, if we are going to have this conversation, let’s all at least be honest with ourselves: there is no secret to understanding women.
As Oscar Wilde so eloquently stated, “Women are meant to be loved, not understood.” Now, whether we should place any stock in the words of a man who loved other men instead of women is certainly debatable, but in this case I think he makes a good point.
If you’re asking me for my takeaway, as a man, from Sarah’s article, it’s that women want you to lie to them when they ask you a question they shouldn’t have asked in the first place because they already know the answer.
They view eating ice cream as the reasonable response to happiness, sadness, depression, anxiety, loneliness, boredom and pretty much anything else you can imagine.
They really just need someone to talk at not so much talk to. Crying on a whim is deemed normal behavior and, much like ice cream, is usually an acceptable response to anything. In fact, the two usually go hand in hand.
Needless to say, no guy can or ever will understand any of this. Never.
It’s all about compromise, right? So if the guys are going to stop trying to understand you and just love you and all your quirks, it’s only fair that you at least consider not doing the following:
Saying “nothing is wrong” when something is obviously wrong: Every guy knows that whenever this is said, you are clearly lying. Why you do it is a mystery, but since we have already conceded to not try and understand your rationale, we can only ask that you spare us from having to do this little dance. We are already going to be in trouble for not being mind-readers and figuring out what you’re mad about so why continue to allow us to dig the hole deeper? All this could have been avoided if you just stated your case from the beginning, but why would you ever do something as simple and straightforward as that? Clearly this way is so much more fun.
Asking: “What are you thinking?” every five minutes: We have already established that when a woman says “nothing” she means “something” but it doesn’t work the same way for guys. Nothing actually means just that, “nothing.” Our “nothing” is a blank space of blissful emptiness that you are now trying to invade. We know you have a 20,000-word quota to fill for the day but guys only have 7,000. Unfortunately, that means that something has got to give. You have two choices. Either find some of your female friends who have a couple thousand words to spare and fill your quota with them or, in the spirit of compromise – we men will be willing to meet you half-way – accept 7,500. That’s our best and final offer.
Bringing up problems if you don’t want us to offer a solution: There are many inanimate, and even some animate, objects that would willfully listen to you talk for hours about things you don’t want resolved. Men do not fall into that category. A dog or a cat could be a fitting alternative, although I can’t guarantee they won’t go away to chase their tails or lick themselves. You’re probably safest with a rock or a log of wood from the back yard. Those tend to work pretty well. Whatever you do please just don’t make us the villains for simply trying to help you out by offering a solution.
So there you have it ladies, while this is by no means an exhaustive list, it’s a good starting point. Take it for what it’s worth and apply as necessary. As for the guys, let us not waste our time trying to understand these women we so dearly love. Life is too short and you’re only setting yourself up for an epic fail. My advice is: learn to just accept them for who they are, know how to say “I’m sorry” and sound convincing about it and last but not least, invest in lots of ice cream.
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