Summer is around the corner (at least I hope it is) and we need to prepare ourselves. If you’re like me, you can’t wait for warmer weather where you don’t have to put on five layers just to make it to the subway sans frostbite. This winter has become that cousin who came to crash on your couch for a couple of days and somehow ended up not only in your bed, but stealing all your covers. Enough is enough. Bring on 70 and 80-degree weather.
Unless you’re new to New York City, you know we don’t get 70 and 80-degree weather without a price tag.That price is disgusting humidity. We literally stick to each other on the subway. Before we get to that stage, we have work to do, New Yorkers. I don’t mean getting trim for bikini season, though you should do that. I am starting a hardcore cleanse. Help me, Jesus!
What we need to get ourselves prepared with is some New York City etiquette. I’ve noticed some startling behavior lately that must be halted before we have to brave the heat together this summer. A few months ago, I addressed subway etiquette with an article aptly named “The Urinal.” You need to refresh your memory on subways dos and don’ts as this time around, I’m focusing on other faux-pas.
I don’t know what has gotten into people lately, but I’ve witnessed behavior that is beneath us as New Yorkers. This isn’t LA! I’m calling an end to it. Let’s work together to make New York the best it can be.
1 – If you’re blessed enough to live in a building with a trash-shoot, get down on your knees and thank your maker. When you get back up, vow to respect said trash-shoot. To keep your neighbors from loathing you, all you need is to have a basic understanding of physics. Your trash bag must be no bigger than the opening of the shoot. If your bag is bigger, go back to your apartment and split your trash between two smaller bags. Open the shoot, then put your bag in and watch it slide down. Simple, right? So why do I see a gazillion bags strewn about when I go into my trash room? Get this fixed ASAP. I am allergic to being surrounded by trash.
2 – This one goes out to all the fellas. One of the joys of living in New York is strolling the streets and exploring new paths. What can suck the joy out of a leisurely walk after a lovely meal is being hollered at by strange men. While it’s nice to be admired, kissey noises while I walk by are simply obnoxious and primitive. You may admire me, and other women for that matter, from afar. Keep your comments to yourself and try to refrain from looking like a sleazy character from a crime drama.
3 – Ladies, you’re not off the hook, either. I know summers here are hot and gross. That is no excuse for me to see what Adam and Eve hid out of shame. We know you’re hot, we’re hot too. We don’t need to see your naughty bits. Before the shorty shorts and mini skirts come out to play, let’s agree to keep it PG-13. Forget the kids running around the city, my eyes don’t deserve to see all of you … no matter how hot you are. Walking around in a bikini isn’t going to bring on a breeze; it’s just going to make people laugh at you.
4 – In order to maintain sanity this summer, I will continue to drink copious amounts of coffee. One thing I’d like to put an end to once and for all this summer is people trying to convince me Dunkin’ Donuts has the best coffee. I’ve even been told the only reason Dunkin’ Donuts coffee isn’t as popular as Starbucks is that it’s not as “cool.” Next you’ll be telling me flip phones are just as functional as my iPhone. No one is buying it and you shouldn’t be trying to sell it. Let’s make a deal: you stop trying to convince everyone Dunkin’ Donuts is the best coffee ever and we’ll abstain from pointing out your taste buds are dead.
5 – Finally, smokers, I can’t deal with your cigarettes any longer. It’s your choice to turn your lungs black; I’ve made the wise choice to not poison myself. Continue to smoke if you must, just keep it away from me. Maybe you can have a meeting with fellow smokers and come up with designated corners, but really, you can’t just roam the streets with your cigarettes. First of all, I didn’t sign up for second-hand smoke. Secondly, if your cigarette burns my clothes or anything I own, you will see me turn into the Hulk in three seconds flat. Let’s avoid a scene; smoke away from non-smokers. It’s only fair.
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