One such interview two years ago comes to mind. The interview was scheduled for an early Monday morning. Unfortunately, I couldn’t fall asleep the night before, and instead found myself utterly captivated by a very intense cupcake contest on the Food Network.
I had actually fooled myself into thinking I would get up at 7:30 to watch a World Cup match (I was obsessed), then shower and do my hair before going off to my interview. What actually happened was my waking up at 9:20, not showering, sloppily running an iron through my hair, no wearing make-up, and throwing on my suit a la a child playing dress-up.
Little did I know, the rants were just beginning. He started off by telling me how the business is run. Fair enough, but his monotone voice could rival the teacher from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.
I hung on for quite some time, and was actually paying attention to what he was saying, but even Mother Teresa had her limits. I couldn’t believe it; I was actually going to fall asleep in an interview! A half hour had gone by, and he had yet to ask me a question or try to engage me in any way.
My mind was frantic trying to think of ways to stay awake. I contemplated stabbing my pinky toe with my pointy heel, but feared he might take that as a sign I wasn’t fully enjoying this experience. Instead, I attempted nodding.
Alas, we got to what he perceived as the Q&A section of the interview almost an hour after it had begun. Interestingly, he gave me the exact answer he was looking for as he was asking me the question. Obviously this made my life much easier, and made my daydreams of escaping this hostage situation more and more of a reality. He finally had enough of me and sent me on my way.
I was so distraught over my morning experience, but to my delight, I shared the elevator with the cutest little dog (and her mother – the owner). The dog cheered me up with her admiration of me. At least someone found me amusing.
Later in the evening, after consuming a second dinner at Five Guys Burgers, I decided to take a long walk home to ease the self-loathing I had just imposed upon my thighs. As I neared my neighborhood walking down an avenue I do not frequent, I found myself in a bit of a dead area. No worries, I just walked faster. Out of nowhere, I hear a man say, “Excuse me! Excuse me! Miss?”I had lived in New York long enough to be used to tuning out any crazies on the street, but there was a tone of urgency in his voice. Stupidly, I stopped, turned around, and said, “Yes?” The man came towards me with a look of concern and said, “I couldn’t help but notice the way you were walking. Are you a ballet dancer?”
If you live in New York long enough, you’ll hear it all, but THIS was definitely the worst line I’ve ever heard. Had I ever been interested in becoming a ballerina, I would have been weeded out as a newborn. I’m more likely to EAT a ballerina for lunch. I quickly made up some white lies, and ran away from this buffoon.
For the remainder of my walk home, I tried to figure out why I only seem to attract creepy men on the corner, and boys on the subway. Have all the normal guys moved off the island? Why can’t I ever be approached by a lovely looking man who simply asks me my name?? What am I doing wrong???
As I neared my building, I spotted another cute dog leading his owner into my building’s doorway. As I approached the elevator, I realized it was the same dog I had played with in the elevator earlier that day. This was a bit unusual since I live in a huge building. I looked up to the dog’s owner, and WOW!
I was finally being repaid for the horrible pick-up lines and the random crazies, with a beautiful man practically at my doorstep! It then dawned on me, if this is the same dog from earlier today, then the dog’s mother must be this hottie’s girlfriend. DAMN IT! Sure enough, the Aussie hottie confirmed it. I went off to my apartment disappointed and wishing I had ordered another burger to go.
All in a New York day, my darlings…
Sign Up For Our Newsletter