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David Bonderman, Former Uber Board Member, Decides How Long Women Can Speak

This article is a satirical take on an Uber board meeting intended to address allegations of gender discrimination. Things that actually happened will be linked.

“I honestly don’t see how that was so bad,” Uber board member David Bonderman was heard saying two hours after his public apology.

“I directed a comment to my colleague and friend Arianna Huffington that was careless, inappropriate, and inexcusable,” Bonderman said earlier.

“But honestly,” he said over his $240 plate of gnocchi, “that was annoying that I had to resign over that.”

“Come on, I mean all I said was that two women board members would lead to more talking.”

Our source reported that Bonderman and his male dinner companion talked all throughout the meal. This fact comes contrary to Bonderman’s recently emerging views on public conversation.

In an exclusive NYMM interview with Arianna Huffington, she said she felt she had “no words to say” on the matter. Although when we called her back later with a woman on the phone they talked for over two hours.

“I don’t really think it’s their fault, they just talk about more unnecessary things,” he said to his dinner guest for the third time.

“I mean, come on, Liane started us off by forcing us all to give each other hugs. How am I not gonna be pissed off at women after that?”

I appreciate David doing the right thing for Uber at this time of critical cultural changes at the company,” Huffington said in a statement.

“Culturally, now, we’re actually moving in the right direction, so I’m not sure David would have been a good fit. I mean, really, he interrupted me to tell me that women talk too much and he didn’t see the irony, so I’m not sure he would have been a good fit regardless.”

When a waitress approached Bonderman asking if he would like more cheese shavings, he nodded his head and continued the conversation.

“I’m sick of these witch hunts, I make a lousy joke and I get thousands of emails telling me what a jerk I am. Can you cut a man some slack?”

“That’s enough,” he told the waitress, who our sources report was shaving what seemed to be smoked Gouda cheese, rather than the usual Parmesan.

“Anyway, I guess my resignation came at a good time,” Bonderman said to his companion.

“Did you hear they’re gonna have to start cutting back on alcohol at company events? Probably because of that time all the girls were going crazy,” he said, gulping down his third glass of wine.

“But I’m happy to be done with it anyway, any company that starts a board meeting with hugs isn’t going very far.”

Featured Image by Web Summit on Flickr

Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0)

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