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Love Stories Suck

That’s the caption I caught spray-painted in Soho one afternoon. I made up a few assumptions about the “artist.” 

For some reason, I felt it was a young guy, though it could have easily been a girl or a woman. Maybe he had just been rejected by the girl of his dreams. 

Maybe he was sick of hearing his friends’ love stories while he sits home on a Friday night eating his weight in cheese. 

I must admit, sitting home eating cheese sounds like a fab Friday night to me. 

Most likely, he just had a bad breakup. If that’s the case, I could excuse the vandalism. 

Breakups can be difficult and painful. Though, truth be told, I’m not speaking from experience. I personally have never had a really bad breakup. Some have been dramatic, but really none could be made into a movie. 

I like to think it’s because I’m a delightful person, and not because I’ve never been in a relationship worthy of a bad breakup. 

As sad as it may be to be lacking such a quintessential personal growth experience, it has not stopped me from doling out a healthy dose of relationship advice. 

Between you and me, I’m not good at breaking up with people. I tried it a few times, and it didn’t work. 

With one guy, every time I brought it up, he successfully talked me out of it. He used the “wounded animal” tactic…sounding like I really hurt him, confessing it’s totally my decision and he’ll stay away. Classic guilt trip. 

Eventually I tried to end things with another guy, and this one talked me out of it as well! The worst part is to this day I can’t figure out how he did it. 

I finally learned the best way to end a relationship is to become a total jerk to the guy and in due course he’ll stop calling. Freud might call that passive-aggressive. 

I’ve sat through many breakups; both in the movies and tv, and as a spectator to my friends’ relationships. One thing I still fail to understand is why people try to stay friends after a breakup. 

How can you go from being madly in love with someone to not having them as your one and only…then still seeing them on a regular basis and palling around? It doesn’t work! It’s not supposed to. 

There will always be residual feelings, unless you’re a robot. In which case, I thank you for reading; we’ve been trying to break into the animatronic demographic. 

Take the advice of someone who hasn’t really been through it: don’t stay friends after a breakup. 

Really, one of you is just hoping the other changes their mind, or maybe just changes. It’s a fool’s system. 

Instead, you should mourn the end of your relationship for a bit. Lock yourself in your house for a couple of weeks, stay in your pjs, eat junk food, and watch sad movies. 

Then, when you’ve put yourself together enough for the rest of us to be want to be around you, pretend your ex-love is dead. Six feet under dead! 

Don’t call. Don’t text. Don’t talk about him or her. 

If it helps, you can even make up the story of how he or she died…severity will depend on how ugly the breakup got. Bury the hatchet and while you’re at it, bury the person you were in a relationship with. 

You never know, maybe the right love will be at the wake. 

Featured Image by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

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