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My Two Enemies: The Mirror and My Contacts

I‘ve been laid off a couple of times. It turns out I’m good at it. After the first time I was laid off, I was determined to be productive with my down time. I made a mental list of all the new practices I would instill in my life. Being unemployed was an opportunity to better myself. I decided I would give back to the community and get involved in charity, I would start working out, I would finish that screenplay I started over a decade ago…. 

The thing is, all those evolvements required that nasty word “discipline,” and worse, some involved leaving my apartment. So quickly, I began to focus on other things, like staring out my window.  

I did attempt to work out for a while, but immediately discovered my body wasn’t made for it. Every time I worked out, my body ached, my heart pounded, and I experienced unusual glistening. Clearly, all the side effects were a warning to halt this barbaric practice lest I suffer a heart attack.

Somehow I stumbled upon calorie counting, which led me to eating healthier. I learned a lot of new information researching my new hobby. For example, did you know there are calories in drinks? I always assumed if it was liquid, it was free! Before I knew it, I started feeling better, lighter, and even felt thinner. My new hobby was paying off. All of a sudden, it wasn’t depressing to step on my bathroom scale. That was until I put my contacts in. 

You see, when I lounged around my apartment, which was always, I just wore my four-year-old glasses. I could see clearly with them, or so I thought. As I started losing weight, I found it was pleasant to disrobe and glance at myself in the mirror before jumping into the shower. However, one dark day, I made the mistake of putting in my contacts BEFORE disrobing. Horror took over my body. I couldn’t take back what I saw in the mirror. MOTHER OF GOD….Whose body was this????? Where did all this cellulite come from??? Is that MY flab??? LOOK AWAY! LOOK AWAY!!!

In this, there was a lesson for my poor, misguided, laid-off self. I learned to never put my contacts in when I’m dressed like Eve…of Adam and Eve. I know you’re probably thinking, “Why didn’t you just start working out?” But you’re thinking too small. After all, I had just become fabulously unemployed, and had all kinds of time on my hands. So I came up with a better plan to solve this first world problem.

1. I would treasure old glasses and wear them ALWAYS!
2. Once I became employed again and had vision insurance, I planned on asking my nice doctor to fit me with less effective contacts.
3. Most importantly, I planned on only getting involved with guys who suffered from ailing vision.

Featured Image by Dmitry Ratushny on Unsplash

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