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No Bad Days for Putin (He Is a Man)

This article is a satirical take on comments Putin recently gave during an interview. Things that Putin and others actually said will be hyperlinked.

I don’t have bad days because I am not a woman,” said Putin. “I have never had a bad day and neither has any other man on earth.”

“I am not trying to insult anyone,” he said, insultingly. “That’s just the nature of things. There are certain natural cycles.”

“Of course, the cycles are the problem, not the women,” he continued. “Take Mother Earth, for example, she suffers from her cycles just like human woman. Global warming – one of her many natural cycles – is currently wreaking havoc on many parts of her body.”

“The issue is not stopping it,” he said, “because that’s impossible, since it could be tied to some global cycles on Earth or even of planetary significance. The issue is to somehow adapt to it.”

“Earth’s bad days are bad for everyone, just like a woman’s. All we can do is try and protect them from themselves when they are overcome by their limitations.”

“A woman does this very thing to her own children. Just as she might spank her children when they are difficult, so does a man help his wife when he punishes her. It is for the benefit of the family to make sure the dinner is ready exactly as he enters the home.”

“I signed a law to help protect these traditional family values because I believe that a man should never be separated from his family. I believe most women agree, especially on their bad days. We can all agree that domestic abuse can’t be bad if it is helping to keep the family together.”

“I like the way deputy Vitaly Milonov put it. Who would want to sleep in bed with both their wife and a humans rights organization? I don’t recognize human rights, and I do not want to wake up next to someone I do not recognize.”

“Again, I do not wish to insult anyone; however, I do now remember a woman who recently wished to insult me. She stood topless in front of me as I met with Angela Merkel, but I had pity on her. I realized that she was just having one of her many bad days.”

“It’s all part of the natural cycle. As we never take more from Mother Earth than she gives us, so do we love and appreciate our women. We don’t need human rights to understand that.”

“‘Men are born understanding how they should act towards women. Just as we ignore our wives when they complain about the temperature, so must we ignore those who tell us that climate change is something unnatural.”

“We must give Mother Earth her privacy during this difficult time.”

Featured Image by openDemocracy on Flickr

Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-SA 2.0)

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