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The Stroller

New Yorkers love unique restaurants. Some of my friends pride themselves on knowing “the best kept secret” in their neighborhood. 

I love to eat and so of course I fall in love with any good restaurant that feeds me well. But I’m different from typical New Yorkers in that I love chain restaurants. 

Growing up, eating out was not a common occurrence and when we did go out to eat, it was most likely to a chain restaurant. Living in Colorado and later on going to college in Nashville, I built up some favorites.

When I moved to New York, I didn’t find many of the chain restaurants I’ve grown accustomed to. Let’s just say the day a Chili’s opens up in New York I’ll throw a party. Presidente Margarita anyone? 

The day I found out The Cooker in Nashville closed down, I mourned. I may have some unhealthy attachments to food, but I’m not enough of a snob to hate on chains. 

Interestingly, I was introduced to Panera Bread in New York…and I love it! What do they put in that bread?! 

So when I had to schedule a lunch meeting, I picked Panera. A while into sitting at Panera, I noticed a woman sitting near me who had a baby in a stroller. She was totally enamored by her baby. I instantly felt jealousy. I happened to be texting my friend Eun at the moment and told her I just spotted a baby in a stroller and I am feeling very jealous.

I am turning 35 next week. Women my age are expected to have babies already, and if not, to badly want them. Most of my girlfriends have children or want them. But I wasn’t jealous of the woman with the baby in the stroller. I was jealous of the baby! 

You know if you were honest with yourself, you’d admit you’re jealous as well. Babies do nothing! Literally nothing! They have it easier than the royal family. Babies have no responsibility what so ever. Even better, they are not only driven everywhere, but they are also carried. 

Forget having a butler (my fantasy); I want a stroller. Babies are living high on life. Have you ever seen a baby after they’ve eaten all their milk? They sleep! They don’t even have to worry about getting fat! 

The fatter the baby, the more people gush over them. What is even more astonishing to me is the way we treat babies when they do the foulest things. If a baby poops, his or her mom puts on a baby voice and tells the baby it’s time to change the diaper. That doesn’t happen when you get older. 

And when they pass gas, it’s considered an accomplishment. All these otherwisesane people act like baby gas isn’t foul. It is. So is their spitting, drooling, peeing and burping. Let’s get real people: babies can be very gross, but no one cares because they’re still adorable. 
Think of all the things you have to do in a day. Get up, shower, find an outfit, put it on, go to work, deal with people you don’t like, figure out what to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner, drive, do laundry, clean, talk to people. I’m exhausted just writing a hypothetical list. 

Babies have to do none of that. They wake up, cry and every one of their needs and wants are met. They don’t have to deal with politics, they’re unaware of sad news and if they don’t like someone, they just cry and the person disappears. 

We’ve all been told to never wake a sleeping baby. I’d love that kind of respect.
Benjamin Button had it made; he did the hard stuff first, then he rode the rest of his life into royalty. 

Featured Image by Alexey Shikov on Unplash

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