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The Urinal

Relax. I’m not really writing about the urinal; I’m a woman!

However, New York City, until you learn how to respect the subway, I will continue to call it The Urinal.

I’m over it! It’s so hot in New York right now; we’re talking heat that feels like 100 degrees. It’s so hot that I’m convinced Satan has retired to somewhere cooler than here…like Hell!

Right now, the absolute last thing I want is to be touched by strangers. However, even I (a princess) realize I must share The Urinal with the masses. Over four million people ride the urinal EVERY DAY, so we’re stuck together, sometimes literally. Let’s at least behave like civilized people.

 I have lived in New York for over seven years. I have earned the right to freely object to some major faux pas I’ve witnessed. Brace yourself because I’m about to publicly shame some of you.
 
You, Then Me
New Yorkers are always busy. I, for one, am always late–always. However, what would happen if at the turnstile, we adopted the rule of “You go, then I go?” Wouldn’t that make the world a little bit nicer? Wouldn’t it also offer less chaos? I’m not trying to be Oprah here, people, but let kindness start with you.
The Waiting Game
We all have to wait for The Urinal to arrive together, it’s unavoidable. Can we please call a moratorium on the spitting? The platform is disgusting enough; we don’t need extra bodily fluids. I know there are homeless people occupying The Urinal, but we don’t have to act like them. They get a free pass because they’re homeless. When you’re living on the streets begging for change, then I’ll excuse your random spitting. It’s so disgusting! Never, ever spit in public; even the rats find it off-putting.
 
Whether we’re waiting on the platform together, or we’re huddled inside the tin car awaiting our destination, let’s not get personal. Keep your drama to yourself. No need for the masses to hear you fighting with your significant other who is re-thinking your relationship. If I can hear you arguing over the incoming train on the platform, your relationship has probably hit an unfortunate stage.
 
This couple was fighting so loudly, I could hear their screams over the incoming train.
 
Oh, and I don’t want to see any PDA unless I’m involved.
 
Rare Empty Car…Creepy!
Not a Personal Ride
The Urinal doesn’t exist for your convenience. I wish it did. I would summon the doors to open and close upon my command. I would make The Urinal go wherever I want. I would insist on it not smelling like an actual urinal. I really would love to always have a whole car to myself (it has happened once).
 
However, The Urinal is not my personal ride, nor is it yours. Let’s all abide by the unwritten rules, shall we?

When The Urinal arrives, you must wait for the people who are getting off the train to unload before you get on. It’s really quite simple: empty, then fill. People who try to shove their way in before everyone unloads baffle me. You look like a jackass to everyone!

Now that we’ve established that The Urinal is not yours, respect personal space. Yes, we’re all cramped together, but that does not give you the right to sit as if you’re lounging on a recliner. This is for the men who spread their legs. There is no excuse I will accept for your leg or hips touching mine. If you are an average-sized person, your leg should always stay in your designated area. You can mark your territory all you want when you’re in your tiny apartment pretending to be a giant.
 
Sir, you’re taking up one and a half spots, while I stood!
Seriously?
Women, you’re not off the hook either. If you’re wearing a tiny, short skirt, cross your legs! Earlier this week, I sat across from a woman who was wearing a skirt so short, I’m sure it could have doubled as a tube top; I could see her undergarments with great detail. She’s fortunate I had enough class not to take a picture.

A Fancy Dinner Party
If you’re having trouble caring about other people whom you are sharing air with on The Urinal, then pretend you’re at a fancy dinner party where you must follow proper etiquette. Believe it or not, there is Urinal etiquette:

* We all want a seat, but not everyone is going to get one at all times. Deal with it, but don’t you dare sit there all comfortable when any of the following people are in your car: an elderly person, a person with disability, a child, or a pregnant woman. If you sit in your seat and pretend you don’t see someone who obviously needs to sit, I suggest you move somewhere more suitable for your personality. How about LA?

* We all love music, but keep your music your own. I don’t need to hear the tunes that you find entertaining or get you dancing. I see a lot of NYPD officers walking around on the platforms and riding The Urinal. They should arrest people who play their music for everyone to hear! Also, please arrest platform “artists” who are simply not entertaining. We might as well call it “Urinal Idol.”

* New Yorkers notoriously carry a lot of things. We always have bags. It’s okay for your bags to take up a seat when The Urinal isn’t crowded. It is not okay for them to take up a seat when human beings are standing. How is it possible I even have to mention this? Common sense, anyone?

What this dude did is not only illegal and dangerous, but he took up two seats!

* Control thy children. Letting your kids run amok in a cramped area makes me think you should move to Brooklyn.

* No one wants to eat smelly food at a fancy dinner party. No one wants to smell your food on The Urinal. Technically, eating on The Urinal is against the law. I’ll allow it as long as your food doesn’t smell like food that would send a rat running.

Every Day I’m Hustlin’

Do not hustle unless you’re going to be entertaining. Before you think of becoming a Urinal hustler, you really need to perfect your show, because you’re like a free off-off-off Broadway play. Except on The Urinal, your audience has no escape, so the least you can do is entertain us while we’re forced to listen to your spiel. Last Christmas, I was in a car where a mariachi band came on and did a great rendition of “Feliz Navidad.” It really did bring everyone cheer, and they banked!

Dude, it’s not cool to stare at me through your sunglasses.
 
Lastly, refrain from falling asleep on me!

I hope we’ve gotten some things straight, New York City. You should know that I will Instagram and Tweet (@nyminutemag) these faux pas as I see them, and I’ve been known to be a creeper with my photos. Let’s all invest in quality deodorant, and respect one another.

It’s pretty sad when I have to end on advice from George Costanza, but “We’re living in a society.”

Images by Sarah Rizkalla
Featured Image by Eddi Aguirre on Unsplash

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    October 10, 2013 at 1:54 pm

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    Sascha LaCoss

    July 24, 2012 at 7:28 pm

    great post! I haven’t been to NY but I can’t wait to visit. I don’t think I want to experience said urinal though!

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    July 23, 2012 at 12:46 am

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