Relax. I’m not really writing about the urinal; I’m a woman!
However, New York City, until you learn how to respect the subway, I will continue to call it The Urinal.
I’m over it! It’s so hot in New York right now; we’re talking heat that feels like 100 degrees. It’s so hot that I’m convinced Satan has retired to somewhere cooler than here…like Hell!
Right now, the absolute last thing I want is to be touched by strangers. However, even I (a princess) realize I must share The Urinal with the masses. Over four million people ride the urinal EVERY DAY, so we’re stuck together, sometimes literally. Let’s at least behave like civilized people.
|This couple was fighting so loudly, I could hear their screams over the incoming train.|
|Rare Empty Car…Creepy!|
When The Urinal arrives, you must wait for the people who are getting off the train to unload before you get on. It’s really quite simple: empty, then fill. People who try to shove their way in before everyone unloads baffle me. You look like a jackass to everyone!
|Sir, you’re taking up one and a half spots, while I stood!|
* We all want a seat, but not everyone is going to get one at all times. Deal with it, but don’t you dare sit there all comfortable when any of the following people are in your car: an elderly person, a person with disability, a child, or a pregnant woman. If you sit in your seat and pretend you don’t see someone who obviously needs to sit, I suggest you move somewhere more suitable for your personality. How about LA?
* We all love music, but keep your music your own. I don’t need to hear the tunes that you find entertaining or get you dancing. I see a lot of NYPD officers walking around on the platforms and riding The Urinal. They should arrest people who play their music for everyone to hear! Also, please arrest platform “artists” who are simply not entertaining. We might as well call it “Urinal Idol.”
* New Yorkers notoriously carry a lot of things. We always have bags. It’s okay for your bags to take up a seat when The Urinal isn’t crowded. It is not okay for them to take up a seat when human beings are standing. How is it possible I even have to mention this? Common sense, anyone?
|What this dude did is not only illegal and dangerous, but he took up two seats!|
* Control thy children. Letting your kids run amok in a cramped area makes me think you should move to Brooklyn.
* No one wants to eat smelly food at a fancy dinner party. No one wants to smell your food on The Urinal. Technically, eating on The Urinal is against the law. I’ll allow it as long as your food doesn’t smell like food that would send a rat running.
Every Day I’m Hustlin’
Do not hustle unless you’re going to be entertaining. Before you think of becoming a Urinal hustler, you really need to perfect your show, because you’re like a free off-off-off Broadway play. Except on The Urinal, your audience has no escape, so the least you can do is entertain us while we’re forced to listen to your spiel. Last Christmas, I was in a car where a mariachi band came on and did a great rendition of “Feliz Navidad.” It really did bring everyone cheer, and they banked!
|Dude, it’s not cool to stare at me through your sunglasses.|
|Lastly, refrain from falling asleep on me!|
I hope we’ve gotten some things straight, New York City. You should know that I will Instagram and Tweet (@nyminutemag) these faux pas as I see them, and I’ve been known to be a creeper with my photos. Let’s all invest in quality deodorant, and respect one another.
It’s pretty sad when I have to end on advice from George Costanza, but “We’re living in a society.”
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