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Does anyone else find it really hard coming up with a name, or is it just me? Anytime I have to pick a name, subject, or title for something, it inevitably always turns into a royal pain in the you-know-what over something that should take like two seconds.

Case in point, emails. I never know what to put in the subject of an email, and it drives me crazy! I can write the most detailed email and then get ready to send it and end up spending what must seem like an eternity figuring out what an appropriate subject would be.

It’s so bad that it actually turns me off meeting new people I am going to have to communicate with via email. The reality is that it takes a while to get to the point in a relationship where I feel comfortable enough to cast etiquette to the side and just leave the thing blank altogether.

Until then, I’m stuck having to come up with gems like “Hi,” “Hello,” or even worse “This is Ugonna.” Unfortunately after I stare blankly at the screen for fifteen minutes that’s usually what they end up getting. That’s why I long for the moment when familiarity displaces formality and I get to do away with the whole subject thing altogether.

Sometimes I’ll hit send, and I’ll get a query, “Are you sure you want to send this message without a subject?” That always makes me chuckle. It also reminds me that computers are not that smart because clearly mine hasn’t learnt not to ask such a ridiculous question. I cannot hit send fast enough….

 This kind of neuroses on my part often makes me wonder what it will be like when I have kids and it comes time to pick out their names. Well, actually I know what it will be like because I already have a list of names that I deem appropriate. What I meant was I wonder what it will be like for my (future) wife, having to acquiesce to my choices.

Chances are we’re probably not going to like the same names, so I can see that being a possible issue. Oh well, I’m sure my choices will grow on her eventually. If she kicks up a stink I suppose I’ll concede and let her pick the middle names. No one uses those anyway.

I’m definitely someone that tends to like unusual, quirky names that catch you off guard. I also really like it when girls have boy’s names. Not so much so when boys have girl’s names. Actually not at all. Sorry Ashley. Don’t get me wrong I am not going into bizarro territory and naming my kid Apple, Trixibelle or Blanket. By the same token no child of mine is going to be called Pat, Bob, Jim or anything along those lines. I might as well call them Boring and save myself the trouble.

We’ve now come to the portion of the program where we handout the lifetime achievement award for most ridiculous name you could give your child. Throughout history, celebrities have given us no shortage of nominees in this category. It was no easy task to narrow the field down to our final two recipients, but in the end someone’s got to be the biggest loser.

First up, Jermaine Jackson. It takes a lot to upstage brother Michael, but Jermaine has somehow managed to pull it off. Can you say Jermajesty? Of course you can’t. Why would any normal brain even conjure up something so ludicrous let alone have the audacity to bestow it upon someone as a name.

Secondly, there is our good friend Rob Morrow. Some of you already see where this is going. At the same time the rational part of your brain is saying, “Oh no he didn’t. There’s no way, he would even dare…” Unfortunately Rob Morrow was absent the day they were handing out the rational part of the brain because he just couldn’t resist the urge to name his poor daughter Tu. That’s right, Tu Morrow.

He couldn’t just be like all the other celebrities and give his kid a pretentious, wacky, or even a piece of fruit name. Nooooo. He had to stoop so low as to give her a pun name. That is truly the definition of taking things too far. Worst part? It’s not even funny. That goes for you too Mary Christmas and Candy Barr. I know you’re out there somewhere….

Well, I’ve come to the end of yet another article, and guess what I have to do now? Pick a name. Happy, happy, fun, joy. I hope that by now we have become sufficiently familiar with each other to the point where no one is going to be offended if I do away with formality and pass on this heinous task.

Quite frankly, I really can’t be bothered right now. Do accept my sincere apologies, but at the same time feel free to take comfort in the fact that its only because I consider you all my friends that I take you for granted so. Besides, what’s in a name anyway?

Featured Image by rawpixel on Unsplash

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1 Comment

  1. Michelle James

    August 28, 2012 at 5:58 pm

    I went to high school with a girl named Cinnamon Baker. No lie. I feel your pain. M

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